I thought these vicious suicidal thoughts would pass over as quickly as they came, it’s been a week today - apparently not.
I’m slipping into oblivion again, and no one is able to help me.
I can’t talk to anyone. My best friends don’t even seem to get it.
I feel like the only person I can talk to is my boyfriend. Who I won’t be seeing for at least another 2 weeks, even so I don’t think he understands - he doesn’t know how to deal with me; and in all honesty I feel guilty putting it on him.
So I’m going to shut myself off again. From everyone and everything.
Time to be open and honest.
I’ve suffered with bipolar depression since I was 15. It comes and goes.
I was forced into counselling at a Catholic high school not because of that, but because I dressed in dark clothes and had dark make up. That made me against any future help regarding my illness. I was questioned because I looked and dressed differently, not once did they ask if there was anything wrong; when I attempted to talk about it it was ignored and made into something different and against me. I was the one in the wrong. It was my fault. I’ve taken meds, I’ve seemed other methods of help yet still nothing has been successful.
A year later things hit a low point and I attempted to take my own life, on several occassions.
My mother was aware, but she suffers from it too so I spent most of my time with a smile on my face and did what I could to help her. I am and always will make sure I put myself in the back burner when it comes to other people. I will always put ANYONE before me. And that’s how I like it.
For me, I found help through meditation and oddly enough; mother nature. When you begin to look around you and open your eyes to your surroundings, taking in the riches and beauty that nature has to offer you take that love and build it into yourself, that made me a better person and the person I am today.
But the past few months have been.. difficult.
Lots of events have taken place where I have had limited control. I’ve been hurt, tormented and lied to. My tolerance has rocketed so I am able to handle things easier than before.
The untimely passing of Robin Williams affected me more than I thought it would. I’m distraught over his death, but what has affected me more is the audacity people have had to suddenly jump from their seats - telling the world to raise awareness for mental health. Putting a word out will help to some extent, but the majority of people doing it do not suffer from or understand depression in its many forms. It’s another ‘jumping on the band wagon’ and it’s so frustrating.
I like to think I’ve helped people who suffer with this illness from spiralling or taking their own life. I have done this for years. I have dropped what I’ve been doing to run to their side and be a friend when they’ve felt like no one has been around.
The death of a celebrity should not determine the sudden uproar in mental health awareness. Do people not realize that every single day, even right now whilst I’m writing this; someone somewhere in the world is either down, contemplating taking their own life or has already done it. This happens every.single.day.
Just because depression is not a physical ailment that doesn’t mean it’s not real and a dangerous illness. It exists, it’s vicious and takes years to control - if ever.
Today I heard my favorite and well loved high school teacher was hit by a train and killed. He had suffered with depression for a long time and the past few years had been awful for him. It saddens me he felt like he had no one to talk to, no one to help him. It takes a bucket full of courage to take your own life, to make that decision to step out in front of a moving train knowing that’s the last thing you’ll ever see.
I’m distraught over it. I can’t begin to express my deepest sympathies that goes out to his family and how I hope and pray they pull through and cherish his incredible memory. A humble man, full of love and laughter and honesty.
Rest easy Mr.Stewart, thank you for believing in me, pushing me to better myself and ultimately getting me into university - I’m studying on the best course in the world. I wish you could see me now xxx